Aftertaste

I have tasted and tried,

An array of candy-coated intentions,

The leftovers of aimless affections,

I have feasted and eaten,

A full portion of honeyed words,

The insatiable diet of my ego,

I have tasted, tried and now I tire,

The meaninglessness of unintentional desire,

A bitter aftertaste.

RTM 17/9/2017

I suppose

Taken with my Pentax ME at Bribie Island

I suppose all I can do is to be thankful,

I suppose all I can do is to be,

I suppose its all I can do,

I suppose.

"Death is part of Life." they say

"It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things."

- Lemony Snicket

I never thought that one of my favourite childhood author could so perfectly sum up how I felt and how I am feeling about the loss of one of my favourite person on earth....I can't say that anymore can I? On earth...............

There are so many ways of viewing what has happened :

1. He suffered. The last few weeks of his life, he suffered. Therefore, it is natural, logical even to be grateful for his passing. Doesn't it make sense? When does death ever make sense Rachel.
2. He was an old man. It was only a matter of time. I wish, I wish I had more time with him when he was well. I wish....
3. At least I got back home for those 6 weeks and saw him. Oh God.....if only, if only he had been well. He would have welcomed me with open arms, his warm hugs. The way he'd say my name. The way nobody else could.

The fourth way of viewing it is not even to view it but to feel it in all it's confusion, pain, and regret. There are days when I forget. It's as though life were back to how it was. He in front of his tv, cutting apples, ready for any of us grandkids with a stock of our favourite food. However, when there isn't a call from him every three weeks, like he always would to see how I'm doing overseas....I wake up. I realise he is not there.

I can almost hear the sound of my heart ripping at the edges. Don't bother asking about the pain. It's there.

But then Life and all it's demands barges in and takes me back to my obligations. It distracts me. And then, I forget again. It's a cycle. 

This might be a darker, more personal post and perhaps some may view it as not necessary for the social media sphere. Yeah, like what you ate for lunch at that French cafe was necessary for me to see. It is not for anyone. It is a way of me coming to terms and not coming to terms with losing a dear one. 

"Death is a part of life." they say. If it is a part of life, why don't I know what to do, how to feel about it? Like waking up in the morning and washing up. It's a part of life. I know that. Like making sure I drink water throughout the day. It's a part of life. I know it. 

"Death is a part of life" they say. It makes perfect sense but my heart was not made to think. 

Who knows when I will get used to the idea of not having him around? Probably never. And I'm okay with that.

And my point is....

Functioning on a sleep deficit and a indecisive, nauseating tummy, I still find the need to say something about what I am feeling and thinking about recent events.

I arrived not long ago at the Gold Coast airport feeling rather weak both in flesh and spirit. My body isn't accustom to being shaken like a champagne bottle in the sky. Needless to say, I was seriously affected by the turbulence in the air that I kept puking all I ate and drank and did not have sufficient sleep.

Emotionally, I was standing in between Sadness and Thankfulness. I am thankful to have been able to come home over my Summer break to reunite with my family and loved ones. Though 36 days was not enough for both parties, I am grateful nevertheless. Sad? Well I won't be seeing my family for another year.

People have this idea about distance and how it makes the heart grow fonder. Yes it does. It wrecks you as well because the slightest reminder of their lack of physical presence in your life, say stumbling upon your sister's favourite soaps, or hearing someone laugh the way like your father does, or listening to a song that reminders you of your mother, it always brings you back to a time and place when you were all together. The problem with that is, it is not the same in reality and the process of coming to terms with that is awfully hard.

What more embarking on the insane idea of a Long Distance Relationship? I will not go into that for the time being. It is still too soon for me.

There isn't a point in this blog post. I just miss my family and my love a little too much today. Bear with me.

With Love,

Rachel

Castles In The Sky

I lied. I'm not going to dedicate a sappy blog post to commemorate the event of me turning 22. However, I am going to be divulging in this post, my inability to deal with not getting what I want the way I want it. I'm a brat. I suppose the notion of myself being a a tad bit (or a tad much) brazen has already been disclosed to the ones who have read my previous postings or to the ones who have gotten the unlikely pleasure of getting to know me.

When I want something or plan for something to happen, I tend to go through a certain process which after some time I have realized is made up into a vicious cycle. This is what I've come up with.

1. Introduction to an idea, person, item etc. I get to know something and I develop an affinity towards it. I delve into it by researching it, talking about it, thinking and speculating about it.
2. Building castles in the sky. I become slightly crazed by it. After getting the initial Introduction phase is over, I begin to continually meditate upon the thought of this item/person/idea. I then start to imaging and dream of a situation, a perfect scenario featuring this and irrationally start idealizing the situation. THIS IS MY DOWNFALL
3. Outcome. I either get it the way I imagined it to be or it becomes ASTOUNDINGLY DIFFERENT  to what I imagined it to be and usually it is the latter. By then I am overcome with great emotion and at times become disillusioned as I have successfully built a romanticized image of the idea/person/item that when reality kicks in, it kicks hard. 

The above is a summary of the mess that I am. Perhaps its normal to go down this train of thought but for me, it has always been my stumbling block. It could be because I am an extreme in both ends. I think deeply and feel deeply. That's just how I am.

However, I don't want my flaws to justify the way I am. I want to be able to overcome this hurdle in my way and move on. The only way I find that has been helping me all along is by recognizing my weakness in this area, praying and surrendering the matter to God's hands, taking time away to reassess the situation and letting go of my ideals.

The latter can be really challenging for me as I find it hard to come to terms and accept that sometimes, things will not go the way I plan it to be, people do not and cannot fulfill your expectations or view points of how you see them and bottom line, it is that there is no such thing as perfection in the world I live in.

I thank God that everyday, I'm beginning to be open to seeing the reality of the situation, the facts and figures. I'm a dreamer that's for sure and I will always have this childlike understanding in my head of how things are supposed to be but I'm glad. I'm glad nothing is perfect.