Bless This Beautiful Friendship We Call Love

Bless this beautiful friendship we call love

Our cries and laughter 

Will echo for all the years we've shared together

Bless this beautiful friendship we call love

Your hand is home in mine

Until the end of our time.

RTM 

Don't Give Up Just Yet

I've been feeling a little out of sorts lately. I feel like I've been trying and doing and living and surviving. I just feel like at times, I want to give up. I wrote this poem amidst my busy schedule because, firstly, I need to keep my sanity and secondly, I just needed to remind myself that Rome was not built in a day. Here it goes.

Don't Give Up Just Yet

Don’t give up just yet

A bird’s nest is not made in a day

Nor the masterpiece of an artist

Don’t give up just yet

The labours of today, is tomorrow’s pleasure

Like the flowers that will bloom in seasons to come

Don’t give up just yet

Every day is worth the fight

Every error points to the light

Only give up

When the rhythm of your heartbeat ceases

When you have passed through all life's seasons.

Tainted

In your eyes, I am tainted.

In your heart, I am wasted space.

In my eyes, you are tainted.

In my heart, you are forgiven by grace.

R.T.M

The Sighs and Exclamations of My Musical Journey

At this current moment, I am being serenaded by the sighs and exclamations of the Violin Concerto No.3 in G major k.216 by Mozart. I am elated and I am reminiscing the time when Classical music was what I could play, what I thought I might actually be good at.

Music is the most emotional of languages, or for that matter, any form of art. Every note has the ability to bring you back to a time and place and sometimes, even a scent. As much as it stimulates my mind to contemplate the building blocks of how one song is made, the genius behind it, without fail, music been the manifestation of my heart and it makes up part of who I am. Forgive me for sounding ludicrously dramatic but truly, that is what music is to me.

I have always had a love for Classical music although my affinity towards it has been tainted by the years of  hard work and pressure. The emphasis to practice and the expectation to play every note perfectly ever since I was a child. It become worse when I entered an arts school. I did not feel at all expressive as I practiced my Liszt piece. Sometimes, I would come home from a tough day at uni and slog away at the piano  until it was time for bed. I remember the nervous break down I had before my first recital. How I was paralyzed by the fear of making a mistake while playing, how it would reflect on me and the faculty. How I felt I wasn't good enough. I just couldn't do it. There was too much of an expectation and I was not made to fulfill expectations.

Long story short, I decided to take a different route and delve into the unconventional and experimentation of Contemporary music. I am so happy that I took this step. It did require a lot of courage to battle through the doubters.One day in the arts school I was attending, my piano teacher expressed her utter distastefulness towards my inclination of wanting to explore Contemporary music. I remember how most of the classical faculty started treating me differently because I wanted to be different. I remember the doubt I had in myself, wondering if I was cut out to play Jazz.In retrospect, everyone is cut out to do whatever they set their minds to, if they would only put in the effort and be patient with themselves.

Listening to Chopin makes me want to rediscover Classical music again. This time, for myself and not to prove myself to my peers and lecturers. This time, for the sole joy of breathing each phrase and exhaling each cadence. I want to play again, not drill.


Here's to the road not taken, and the road to rediscovery.

Throwback Tag

Back then if you did get tagged in a blog post, it was the greatest honour anyone could receive on the Blogspot sphere. I think tags are fun. Its like passing the baton from one blogger to the other in an on going interview

 Tagged by my dear sister Carissa Morais 

A. Attached or single? Attached

B. Best friend? To the person I'm attached to

C. Cake or pie? Chocolate?

D. Day of choice? Monday....I'm a masochist

E. Essential item? Lip balm 

F. Favorite color? Various shades of red and most definitely, black.

G. Gummy bears or worms? Sugar coated Cola's?

H. Hometown? Selayang

I. Favorite indulgence? Chocolate, sweets, expensive healthy food, sin :P (jks)

J. January or July? January. I like fresh starts. 

K. Kids? Yes! 4 if possible, the ratio of 3:1 or 2:2 (boy:girl)

L. Life isn't complete without? Companions

M. Marriage date? The day we both grow up

N. Number of magazine subscriptions? It's been a while since I read a magazine let alone subscribed to any.

O. Oranges or apples? Gold Kiwi

P. Phobias? Reptiles, creepy crawlers.

Q. Quotes? There's so many! I have a book full of them but probably one that comes to mind is from Oscar Wilde

"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all"

R. Reasons to smile? The little things.

S. Season of choice? Probably Autumn and Spring.

T. Tag 10 people. The tag ends with me ;)

U. Unknown fact about me? I have many dimensions to myself.

V. Vegetable? Spinach

W. Worst habit? Worrying

X. X-ray or ultrasound? CT scan

Y. Your favorite foods? Food

Z. Zodiac sign? Capricorn and not that it matters to me  

He/she will have to come up with 7 interesting or random facts about themselves 

and then tag 7 other people to do the tag challenge. 

1. I'm drawn to anything related to the past. I always wanted to study History and Archaeology but music itself is an antique art-form so I suppose that works too. 

2. I don't think I can classify myself to a label in terms of my personality. I'm always evolving I suppose. 

3. I want to travel to the UK,especially England. I've always wanted to do this since I was 14 and fell deeply into the Tudor era and later the War of the Roses.

4. I heart period dramas! 

5. Probably broke my folks heart too many times as compared to my sister. 

6. I am passionate and I think & feel strongly about things that matter to me

7. Constantly at war with myself.

The tag ends here 

The Damning Evidence of My Youth

Last night, I time traveled to my high school years. I realize that I don't actually need a time travelling machine nor the ability to journey through the ages (although I really wish I could!) in order to find out the sort of person I was and the thoughts that occupied my mind half a decade ago. All you need is the damning evidence of an abandon teenage blog that you once used to pour out the whole of your turbulent youth into.

What I gathered about my 17 year old self:

• Friendships were the only cause I lived for. I placed so much on importance on some of the friends of my youth that I would expect the same sort of reciprocation in return. I rationalized the sort of friendships I had and denied that most were nothing of substance, merely built on gossip and slander of others. I thought that by sticking to a little clique, I was secured in our bonds, perhaps a blush of pride thinking that I was better than the rest because I had a dynamic set of people around me that I could identify as my friends. 
• I thought I knew what love was because I was a hopeless romantic.Because I thought that when someone flirts with me, it means that they genuinely liked me. No hidden agendas. Because I thought that by losing my innocence to someone who claimed to love me, meant that I loved him too. Because I wouldn't know what was to come after.
• I was stupidly active in an entity of faith only to realize that it was fallacious 
• Typical body image issue. Thank God I don't suffer from this anymore. 
• I was a proud prude. What a hypocrite for someone who was dealing with a lot of issues regarding my sexuality. 

The incriminatory list of the vices of my youth is countless. Like any youth, I was and still  am finding myself, exploring, experimenting, learning and making mistakes.

It's safe to say that I have come to terms with the person I was back then and I know it was a matter of maturing and growing up. Now, all these make up a funny story to tell in the future. 

So do yourself a favor. Look to past, laugh, and don't look back. If there is something that needs to be mended, a broken friendship that needs closure, a hurt that was suppressed so deep that you are numb to it, people in your life that are no longer with you to journey through life, accept that things were different, be honest with yourself, forgive. 

With Love,

Rachel

Another chapter begins

So since my last post, it was clear to see that everything was all bright and beautiful on my side of the world and unicorns did exist for a bit. Everything changed.

Everything changed.

What changed to be exact? Well first and for most, I moved out out TWICE in 2 months. I was emotionally and mentally exhausted by it. Moving out isn't easy especially having to keep up with ongoing studies and assessment and assignments due almost every week. I LOST MY JOB. Since I had to move out, I could no longer work at the place I was working at as it was too far away and there was this one colleague who obnoxious and rude to me for most of the time I was there. WINTER CAME and I had no Winterfell to live in. I was FINANCIALLY TIGHT. Let's just say that nothing was going as plan. Nothing was going as I planned.

Yet, I believe very much that God knew what was in store for me, The trying time I had to go through. The times when I really wish I family could be here with me so I wouldn't have to go through this on my own. Times when I wish I was perfect enough to fit the expectations of my family friends who housed me for a time being. Rich enough to know I will have enough money on my GoCard to travel back and forth to uni. Smart enough to get a string of HDs despite struggling to grasp and understand my study in a short period of time. To be as skillful and talented as that other girl who plays the piano so well. To be able to juggle my relationship with my love as well as to work through everything that was happening to me at that time. Honestly, I felt like I was being hit was every direction possible. 

Again, I believe God knew. He sent such wonderful people into myself, lend me wisdom in searching for a new home, confronted me with the truth of his unfailing, unfathomable love and grace. 

Today I look back at how God has provided for my family and I and I have to pinch myself. He was ALWAYS there. Even as the season moves to a Spring time, He will be there.

Another chapter of live is beginning for me now. A new home, freedom, responsibilities, fun, joy, pain and His mercies which are new every morning. 

Half A Year

Time has this ability to have us experience so much that it passes as quickly as it came. You think you are holding a moment in your hands only to have it slip through your fingers within its grasp. I can't begin to say how much has taken place in these past 6 months.

From leaving familiarity in Malaysia to feeling more at home in Australia, from subjecting myself to poor quality education to being overwhelmed and awed by the excellence in my studies here. From carelessly eating a whole bar of chocolate in one seating and grudgingly performing a set of lunges to actually and unbelievably leading a healthier and more active lifestyle than I ever did and thought I could before. On the note of leading a healthy lifestyle: EVERYONE CAN DO IT. I'll probably use another post to expound on that. From an old creation to a new creation in Christ, it's amazing to see how much 6 months can do to a person. Below is a summary of my past 6 months.

The Great Relief.

Most of  late 2015, my heart was at a state of despondency and restlessness. I was constantly swinging between where I was a few months back and where I wanted to be in the present. In that sense, I wasn't contented. I hadn't felt peace in me in a very, very long time.



 Part of it had to do with the sudden and unexpected pause in the advancement of my studies. Part of it had to do with me not accepting and loving my body and character. Part of it had to do with the opinions people held about me. Part of it had to do with me making homes out of people. Part of it had to do with me not being thankful for what I have been given and what was with held from me. Part of it had to do with my high expectations of myself.


The list goes on.


Little did I know and realize that part of my discontentment had to do with events and people in the past that I had not dealt with. I realize, I had not truly let go. Mentally, I was settled. It all made logical sense. These people are no longer part of my life. The places are no longer frequented by me. Emotionally, I was healing. Yet.....I had not come to a place of acceptance and forgiveness.



I was determined that 2016 will not be the same again. I will not carry these baggage's with me into the new year. Just as I had decided to clear and throw out so much of junk that I had been keeping for the past 15 years in my room, I realize there was a need to also clear out my heart. Which meant that I had to do something that I had thought I would EVER have the courage to do.



I decided it was time to forgive the people that hurt me in the past and to forgive myself for allowing myself to bear such grudges against them.


On the 1st of Jan 2016, I did what I thought I would NEVER do. I did what was the one thing that I was planning to procrastinate for the rest of my life. The great battle that I was going through in my mind. Finally with whatever courage I mustered in myself, I decided to confront the one person that I realize I had been holding the biggest grudge towards.Someone who was once my playmate as a child who through the years became the one person I never aspired to be as a person. (Please bear in mind, that was how I saw this person a few years back. Now I acknowledge that this person is not based on whatever perceptions I had of this person)


I won't go into details in describing this person as I want to keep it as anonymous as I can.



Let's just say that certain events in life were happening as we were both growing up. We were both highly immature back then. Maybe I should speak for myself. I WAS HIGHLY IMMATURE, VOLATILE, UNSTABLE AND FRIVOLOUS as a growing teen. Thus, you can imagine the sort of person I was. I wasn't able to deal with the painful events that took place in my life involving certain parties especially this person. I couldn't fathom why this person was such as this person was when this person was at a certain age.


*forgive me for the constant usage of "this person".




What I did on 1st Jan 2016 was to acknowledge my errors in the way I saw this person even after I left. I still festered unforgiveness towards this person. I had to come to terms with the fact that I too had a part to play in this dark past and burnt bridge. So I asked for forgiveness, wished this person all the best in life and that I was genuinely happy for whatever happiness that this person might encounter now and in the years to come.

OH, WHAT GREAT JOY! THE AMOUNT OF RELIEF AND NEGATIVITY LEFT ME THE INSTANT I HIT THE 'SENT' BUTTON.

After the very candor and vulnerable admittance of my errors and the act of seeking forgiveness, I immediately rejoiced! I found a peace in my heart knowing that that was the right thing to do. I knew I wouldn't be truly contented if I hadn't pushed myself to face my fear. I was happy for both myself and this person. I bear no more grudge, unforgiveness and negativity towards this person anymore.

I know now that I have truly let go of the past that was holding me back in my life. I can now move forward with a renewed sense of hope and wonderment. At the same time I'm thankful for whatever that had transpired in the past. It has taught me great lessons in life and molded me to what I am now (nothing of great esteem but a little bit more wiser I hope).

Give Thanks, Let Go & Be Contented. This is my 2016. 

Twenty Fifteen

It was a year of realizations. It was a year of being in the wilderness. It was a year of immense love. It was the year I turned 21. 

Often I have envisioned myself blogging about my thoughts on the year that just passed. I played the words and sentences in my mind. I talked about my musings to my sister and made a mental note to blog about it. Now that I'm typing my thoughts and feelings out, I find that I don't have much to say. Everything in me is at peace. Still, I think it would be great to share a little bit about how 2015 has been to me and what I learnt.

Realizations can really hit you hard on the head or come down slowly and subtly on you like a caress. Oh my, the number of hits I received last year and the touches I felt were vast. 

Realizations that hit me on the head in 2015

• Friendships are seasonal. I used to think that the friends you make when you were at a certain age especially if you were close to them would stay on as the friends you would keep now in the present and future. Now, with experience and errors, I realize that friendships are seasonal as there a different seasons in time that we meet these people in our lives. They are there during the time you are both together. In that moment and time they are your closest. Slowly as time passes, both move on and keep in contact occasionally. I appreciate the closeness that came with being near one another, and I appreciate the distance too. As long as it was meaningful. I also came to this understanding that it's okay to outgrow people and move on from friendships.  

• Don't place meanings behind people. I feel deeply about people in my life and with that, I end up placing meanings behind them. Little did I know that what they mean to me in my life, I may not necessarily mean the same in their lives. When I discover wonderful people who have helped me grow and have been there for me and taught me things in life, I tend to give them a space in my heart. In that sense, I form an attachment with them. I end up making the effort to keep in contact with them, get them gifts, write letters, remember their birthdays. I thought that I meant something to them. That I too have a place in their worlds. I thought but I was wrong in a few instances. 

• Age is but a number. I don't know if it was because of the books I read or the movies I watched when I was younger but I ALWAYS thought that by the time I reach the age of 21, I would finally reach the prime time of my life where I would be deeply matured, magically good looking and stylish and my life would be a series of perfection. I wish I could slap myself internally for such silly thoughts! I am FAR from mature, decent looking and I still don't have an LBD. That doesn't mean I haven't grown with experience and lessons. I am not the same person I was 5 years ago. So much has changed with time. I now truly know that age is just a number.Also, I will NEVER be perfect. Get that in your head Rachel!

• Love.  What needs to be said about this? It speaks for itself.

The list goes on. 

Realizations that touched me subtly in 2015

• Give thanks. Especially after turning 21, I found myself being very ungrateful for all the blessings and lessons that came my way. I wanted things my way, strong willed as I am and stubborn. The realization hit me softly that I have taken His providence for granted. Few days ago, I decided I want to give thanks to God everyday and be more appreciative of the people around me and the little things in life.

• Be contented. Unhappiness came with the lack of thankfulness and appreciation in my life. It also came with me being overcritical of myself, looking down on how I was and being skeptical about everything I did and thought. 2016, I learn to be contented and at peace with myself. It is a process but I know I'll be okay.

• Let go. 

And love.