Part of it had to do with the sudden and unexpected pause in the advancement of my studies. Part of it had to do with me not accepting and loving my body and character. Part of it had to do with the opinions people held about me. Part of it had to do with me making homes out of people. Part of it had to do with me not being thankful for what I have been given and what was with held from me. Part of it had to do with my high expectations of myself.
The list goes on.
Little did I know and realize that part of my discontentment had to do with events and people in the past that I had not dealt with. I realize, I had not truly let go. Mentally, I was settled. It all made logical sense. These people are no longer part of my life. The places are no longer frequented by me. Emotionally, I was healing. Yet.....I had not come to a place of acceptance and forgiveness.
I was determined that 2016 will not be the same again. I will not carry these baggage's with me into the new year. Just as I had decided to clear and throw out so much of junk that I had been keeping for the past 15 years in my room, I realize there was a need to also clear out my heart. Which meant that I had to do something that I had thought I would EVER have the courage to do.
I decided it was time to forgive the people that hurt me in the past and to forgive myself for allowing myself to bear such grudges against them.
On the 1st of Jan 2016, I did what I thought I would NEVER do. I did what was the one thing that I was planning to procrastinate for the rest of my life. The great battle that I was going through in my mind. Finally with whatever courage I mustered in myself, I decided to confront the one person that I realize I had been holding the biggest grudge towards.Someone who was once my playmate as a child who through the years became the one person I never aspired to be as a person. (Please bear in mind, that was how I saw this person a few years back. Now I acknowledge that this person is not based on whatever perceptions I had of this person)
I won't go into details in describing this person as I want to keep it as anonymous as I can.
Let's just say that certain events in life were happening as we were both growing up. We were both highly immature back then. Maybe I should speak for myself. I WAS HIGHLY IMMATURE, VOLATILE, UNSTABLE AND FRIVOLOUS as a growing teen. Thus, you can imagine the sort of person I was. I wasn't able to deal with the painful events that took place in my life involving certain parties especially this person. I couldn't fathom why this person was such as this person was when this person was at a certain age.
*forgive me for the constant usage of "this person".
What I did on 1st Jan 2016 was to acknowledge my errors in the way I saw this person even after I left. I still festered unforgiveness towards this person. I had to come to terms with the fact that I too had a part to play in this dark past and burnt bridge. So I asked for forgiveness, wished this person all the best in life and that I was genuinely happy for whatever happiness that this person might encounter now and in the years to come.
OH, WHAT GREAT JOY! THE AMOUNT OF RELIEF AND NEGATIVITY LEFT ME THE INSTANT I HIT THE 'SENT' BUTTON.
After the very candor and vulnerable admittance of my errors and the act of seeking forgiveness, I immediately rejoiced! I found a peace in my heart knowing that that was the right thing to do. I knew I wouldn't be truly contented if I hadn't pushed myself to face my fear. I was happy for both myself and this person. I bear no more grudge, unforgiveness and negativity towards this person anymore.
I know now that I have truly let go of the past that was holding me back in my life. I can now move forward with a renewed sense of hope and wonderment. At the same time I'm thankful for whatever that had transpired in the past. It has taught me great lessons in life and molded me to what I am now (nothing of great esteem but a little bit more wiser I hope).
Give Thanks, Let Go & Be Contented. This is my 2016.
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