Neither here, nor there

I never knew a time would come where I would be forced to be in temporary unproductivity. In simpler terms, I never thought I'd ever be in a position where I'm not in college neither am I working.

Neither here, nor there.

Due to several unforeseen circumstances where my studies are concerned, I am left in a place of uncertainty. Uncertainty with where I am to continue my studies and what I am to do in the mean time. I for one cannot stand the idea of not having a plan. Of not knowing where I'm going. I highly dislike the idea or the reality of being in a place of undetermined surety. 

I guess it's because of a few reasons. The fear of the not knowing my future and what is to become of me and the restless of being unable to move forward. 

There are days when I wish that I can foresee my future just so I'll be prepared to face whatever is to come my way. Also, it really soothes my anxious and rather foolish mind to cease overthinking.

I am one who can't stand being in one place for too long. Perhaps its because I like being doing something, being productive.I like keeping myself busy doing something at all times. My nature is such that I am not laid back and relaxed. Of course I do like a few moments to be still but not for too long.

So what does one do in the event that they are placed in vagueness? 

Does one accept the circumstances and move forward even though the path may not be clear and straight?

or

Does one dwell upon the matter and hope for a divine intervention?

What do you think?

Defense and Capitulation

Sometimes, for some ungodly reason or so, I find the need to defend myself or my point of view, even if I may be wrong. I find it utterly difficult to acquiesce and accept the fact that perhaps there might be some flaws in my efforts of fortification. At times, it is almost impossible for me to let go of my opinions/feelings or understanding of matters. Basically, I find it difficult to obdurate.

Then I think to myself,

Why do I DEFEND myself?

My loved ones have asked me this question and for so long I had no response. I couldn't find the appropriate response to this rather elementary query. After much thinking, I have come to an understanding with myself on why I defend myself.

It is because I perceive that it is not my view that is being challenged, but I who is being challenged. Of course, I most probably am very wrong to think that but it happens. I cannot comprehend or accept the fact that many times, I may be in the wrong. Why is that so? Why, it is the horrible pride I have in myself thinking that my view points, my opinion, my side are always right. I cannot bear 

 to think that I am in the wrong.

Another reason why I defend myself I think that occasionally I am misunderstood. My actions, behavior, speech is misunderstood by so many that I have to keep explaining myself, showing them that my point of view or actions are not what they perceive or understand it to be. I think it's perfectly fine to clarify yourself or to explain your side however it is in the manner of which you proceed to do so that is taken to be an act of defense. There are times when I am trying to make matters unambiguous but I get my emotions involved which most often are strong. It causes things to be heated up and slowly I find myself becoming slightly belligerent.

And perhaps another reason is I find it hard to capitulate, to surrender and to raise my white flag. It's hard to come to a place of total surrender, or letting go. I for one am a person who has a tight grip in things and when I am put in a place where I have to let these things slip through my fingers, often I don't take it very easily. Perhaps I see surrender as defeat. I see it as I have lost my fight and now I have to succumb to submission. Then there are times when I think that I am justifiably in the right and to come to a point of giving in to the other person is such an obtuse and unfair thing to do. Yet, when I think about it, sometimes, it is only sensible to let things go. It may be difficult but with time, there will be a peace.

It's still a struggle to me. The battle between defending myself or capitulating. Choosing the right time and the right way to explain myself and giving in to another. In time, I will find peace. 

Rebirth

Somewhere in my distant past when I thought it was swell to be androgynous and to cut my own fringe (those jagged edges did nothing to conceal my slightly protruding forehead), I had a blog. No doubt, it was one of those puerile teenage blogs filled with angst and a tad  bit ( okay fine, A LOT) of drama only a 14 year old could conjure. Surprisingly I managed to maintain my blog till I became 17.

For some reason or another, I decided that no one should endure the musings and cogitations of my mind nor should they put themselves through anymore emotionally charged postings.  Also, I felt that the time had come to bury certain retrospection in the past and move along with what was in front of me. Believe me, I enjoyed blogging. The thrill of finding a pretty layout, the frustration of embedding codes, the furious typing of thoughts and the satisfaction of clicking on "Publish".

After much thought, I finally decided to start blogging again. Why? I think that blogging helps in getting my thoughts out. Why not try writing in a journal? Well, I do journal occasionally but a blog would help me share my cogitations and perhaps spark a discussion with others.

Why from my stained windows? 

Shakespeare mused that "the eyes are the window to your soul". 

You would have the privilege or the utter catastrophe of a glimpse into my pilgrim soul.

But why stained? It's because I am flawed. My soul is not in a state of apotheosis. 

Here's to the rebirth of a buried passion and a commencement of something new.