The Great Relief.

Most of  late 2015, my heart was at a state of despondency and restlessness. I was constantly swinging between where I was a few months back and where I wanted to be in the present. In that sense, I wasn't contented. I hadn't felt peace in me in a very, very long time.



 Part of it had to do with the sudden and unexpected pause in the advancement of my studies. Part of it had to do with me not accepting and loving my body and character. Part of it had to do with the opinions people held about me. Part of it had to do with me making homes out of people. Part of it had to do with me not being thankful for what I have been given and what was with held from me. Part of it had to do with my high expectations of myself.


The list goes on.


Little did I know and realize that part of my discontentment had to do with events and people in the past that I had not dealt with. I realize, I had not truly let go. Mentally, I was settled. It all made logical sense. These people are no longer part of my life. The places are no longer frequented by me. Emotionally, I was healing. Yet.....I had not come to a place of acceptance and forgiveness.



I was determined that 2016 will not be the same again. I will not carry these baggage's with me into the new year. Just as I had decided to clear and throw out so much of junk that I had been keeping for the past 15 years in my room, I realize there was a need to also clear out my heart. Which meant that I had to do something that I had thought I would EVER have the courage to do.



I decided it was time to forgive the people that hurt me in the past and to forgive myself for allowing myself to bear such grudges against them.


On the 1st of Jan 2016, I did what I thought I would NEVER do. I did what was the one thing that I was planning to procrastinate for the rest of my life. The great battle that I was going through in my mind. Finally with whatever courage I mustered in myself, I decided to confront the one person that I realize I had been holding the biggest grudge towards.Someone who was once my playmate as a child who through the years became the one person I never aspired to be as a person. (Please bear in mind, that was how I saw this person a few years back. Now I acknowledge that this person is not based on whatever perceptions I had of this person)


I won't go into details in describing this person as I want to keep it as anonymous as I can.



Let's just say that certain events in life were happening as we were both growing up. We were both highly immature back then. Maybe I should speak for myself. I WAS HIGHLY IMMATURE, VOLATILE, UNSTABLE AND FRIVOLOUS as a growing teen. Thus, you can imagine the sort of person I was. I wasn't able to deal with the painful events that took place in my life involving certain parties especially this person. I couldn't fathom why this person was such as this person was when this person was at a certain age.


*forgive me for the constant usage of "this person".




What I did on 1st Jan 2016 was to acknowledge my errors in the way I saw this person even after I left. I still festered unforgiveness towards this person. I had to come to terms with the fact that I too had a part to play in this dark past and burnt bridge. So I asked for forgiveness, wished this person all the best in life and that I was genuinely happy for whatever happiness that this person might encounter now and in the years to come.

OH, WHAT GREAT JOY! THE AMOUNT OF RELIEF AND NEGATIVITY LEFT ME THE INSTANT I HIT THE 'SENT' BUTTON.

After the very candor and vulnerable admittance of my errors and the act of seeking forgiveness, I immediately rejoiced! I found a peace in my heart knowing that that was the right thing to do. I knew I wouldn't be truly contented if I hadn't pushed myself to face my fear. I was happy for both myself and this person. I bear no more grudge, unforgiveness and negativity towards this person anymore.

I know now that I have truly let go of the past that was holding me back in my life. I can now move forward with a renewed sense of hope and wonderment. At the same time I'm thankful for whatever that had transpired in the past. It has taught me great lessons in life and molded me to what I am now (nothing of great esteem but a little bit more wiser I hope).

Give Thanks, Let Go & Be Contented. This is my 2016. 

Twenty Fifteen

It was a year of realizations. It was a year of being in the wilderness. It was a year of immense love. It was the year I turned 21. 

Often I have envisioned myself blogging about my thoughts on the year that just passed. I played the words and sentences in my mind. I talked about my musings to my sister and made a mental note to blog about it. Now that I'm typing my thoughts and feelings out, I find that I don't have much to say. Everything in me is at peace. Still, I think it would be great to share a little bit about how 2015 has been to me and what I learnt.

Realizations can really hit you hard on the head or come down slowly and subtly on you like a caress. Oh my, the number of hits I received last year and the touches I felt were vast. 

Realizations that hit me on the head in 2015

• Friendships are seasonal. I used to think that the friends you make when you were at a certain age especially if you were close to them would stay on as the friends you would keep now in the present and future. Now, with experience and errors, I realize that friendships are seasonal as there a different seasons in time that we meet these people in our lives. They are there during the time you are both together. In that moment and time they are your closest. Slowly as time passes, both move on and keep in contact occasionally. I appreciate the closeness that came with being near one another, and I appreciate the distance too. As long as it was meaningful. I also came to this understanding that it's okay to outgrow people and move on from friendships.  

• Don't place meanings behind people. I feel deeply about people in my life and with that, I end up placing meanings behind them. Little did I know that what they mean to me in my life, I may not necessarily mean the same in their lives. When I discover wonderful people who have helped me grow and have been there for me and taught me things in life, I tend to give them a space in my heart. In that sense, I form an attachment with them. I end up making the effort to keep in contact with them, get them gifts, write letters, remember their birthdays. I thought that I meant something to them. That I too have a place in their worlds. I thought but I was wrong in a few instances. 

• Age is but a number. I don't know if it was because of the books I read or the movies I watched when I was younger but I ALWAYS thought that by the time I reach the age of 21, I would finally reach the prime time of my life where I would be deeply matured, magically good looking and stylish and my life would be a series of perfection. I wish I could slap myself internally for such silly thoughts! I am FAR from mature, decent looking and I still don't have an LBD. That doesn't mean I haven't grown with experience and lessons. I am not the same person I was 5 years ago. So much has changed with time. I now truly know that age is just a number.Also, I will NEVER be perfect. Get that in your head Rachel!

• Love.  What needs to be said about this? It speaks for itself.

The list goes on. 

Realizations that touched me subtly in 2015

• Give thanks. Especially after turning 21, I found myself being very ungrateful for all the blessings and lessons that came my way. I wanted things my way, strong willed as I am and stubborn. The realization hit me softly that I have taken His providence for granted. Few days ago, I decided I want to give thanks to God everyday and be more appreciative of the people around me and the little things in life.

• Be contented. Unhappiness came with the lack of thankfulness and appreciation in my life. It also came with me being overcritical of myself, looking down on how I was and being skeptical about everything I did and thought. 2016, I learn to be contented and at peace with myself. It is a process but I know I'll be okay.

• Let go. 

And love.