Defense and Capitulation

Sometimes, for some ungodly reason or so, I find the need to defend myself or my point of view, even if I may be wrong. I find it utterly difficult to acquiesce and accept the fact that perhaps there might be some flaws in my efforts of fortification. At times, it is almost impossible for me to let go of my opinions/feelings or understanding of matters. Basically, I find it difficult to obdurate.

Then I think to myself,

Why do I DEFEND myself?

My loved ones have asked me this question and for so long I had no response. I couldn't find the appropriate response to this rather elementary query. After much thinking, I have come to an understanding with myself on why I defend myself.

It is because I perceive that it is not my view that is being challenged, but I who is being challenged. Of course, I most probably am very wrong to think that but it happens. I cannot comprehend or accept the fact that many times, I may be in the wrong. Why is that so? Why, it is the horrible pride I have in myself thinking that my view points, my opinion, my side are always right. I cannot bear 

 to think that I am in the wrong.

Another reason why I defend myself I think that occasionally I am misunderstood. My actions, behavior, speech is misunderstood by so many that I have to keep explaining myself, showing them that my point of view or actions are not what they perceive or understand it to be. I think it's perfectly fine to clarify yourself or to explain your side however it is in the manner of which you proceed to do so that is taken to be an act of defense. There are times when I am trying to make matters unambiguous but I get my emotions involved which most often are strong. It causes things to be heated up and slowly I find myself becoming slightly belligerent.

And perhaps another reason is I find it hard to capitulate, to surrender and to raise my white flag. It's hard to come to a place of total surrender, or letting go. I for one am a person who has a tight grip in things and when I am put in a place where I have to let these things slip through my fingers, often I don't take it very easily. Perhaps I see surrender as defeat. I see it as I have lost my fight and now I have to succumb to submission. Then there are times when I think that I am justifiably in the right and to come to a point of giving in to the other person is such an obtuse and unfair thing to do. Yet, when I think about it, sometimes, it is only sensible to let things go. It may be difficult but with time, there will be a peace.

It's still a struggle to me. The battle between defending myself or capitulating. Choosing the right time and the right way to explain myself and giving in to another. In time, I will find peace.