That is not the case now

I think that I am not living. I am merely going through the motions of life. The daily requirements needed to sustain myself. For what purpose? I wish I knew. Waking up in the mornings feels like a forced decision. What is there for me now when I awake? A routine. For the past 3 months, I've been living in my mind because my reality to me now seems bleak. I have tried and now I tire.

I am a person who appreciates productivity. I can't sit back and watch the world go by without doing something. It gives me a sense of worth, happiness, fulfillment. When I'm making full use of the day with activity, I feel that I am truly living life.

That is not the case now.

They say that you are capable of making choices, yet, lately I think that the choices are making me. The state of inactivity that I am in now. Believe me, everyday I wish I could pursue my dreams and make it into reality. I used to wake up with the notion that today is another day to work towards becoming the person I want to be. The person I can be. 

That is not the case now.

I did not ask to be placed in this horrible consternation. I did not seek the path of of obscurity. Yet, here I am in the midst of everything and nothing. I don't think anyone truly understands the great turmoil my mind is going through, nor the ache in my heart for a revelation. I am not ungrateful for the life I have. I just cannot make sense of it. 

This is the case now.